Contrast In Belief

This morning in my Bible reading I was in the New Testament in Luke 1. Well I was in John 1, too, but I'm writing more about what I noticed in Luke 1.

What I noticed was the contrast between Zachariah and Mary.

Both are visited by an angel (the same one in fact, Gabriel) who tells each about a future birth of a child.

Zachariah says (The Message) "Do you expect me to believe this?"

Mary says "Yes, I see it all now: 'I'm the Lord's maid, ready to serve. Let it be with me just as you say.'"

Interesting to me is the fact Zachariah was the vocational religious person of the two.

Just found it really interesting.

Priorities and Values

Matthew 16-20 (The Message)

Jesus replied, "You, too? Are you being willfully stupid? Don't you know that anything that is swallowed works its way through the intestines and is finally defecated? But what comes out of the mouth gets its start in the heart. It's from the heart that we vomit up evil arguments, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, lies, and cussing. That's what pollutes. Eating or not eating certain foods, washing or not washing your hands—that's neither here nor there."

I have finished Hezekiah and Malachi in my daily Bible reading.

I am reminded of just how important is freedom to worship.

I fear that many of our time do not recognize the importance and it is a freedom that may be lost.

Ezra Trusting God

In my daily Bible reading the other day I was in Ezra 8 and found the passage beginning at verse 21 to be very interesting:

I proclaimed a fast there beside the Ahava Canal, a fast to humble ourselves before our God and pray for wise guidance for our journey—all our people and possessions. I was embarrassed to ask the king for a cavalry bodyguard to protect us from bandits on the road. We had just told the king, "Our God lovingly looks after all those who seek him, but turns away in disgust from those who leave him."

So we fasted and prayed about these concerns. And he listened.

Ezra was preparing to journey to Jerusalem with quite a group of people and items for rebuilding the temple. Ezra was not without reason to be concerned about theft because later we learn that he was carrying "25 tons of silver, 100 vessels of silver valued at three and three-quarter tons of gold, 20 gold bowls weighing eighteen and a half pounds, 2 vessels of bright red copper, as valuable as gold."

One might desire a small army to guard that much stuff nowadays as well as protecting a rather large group of people.

At first when I read this I thought Ezra had actually asked the King for help so I had to read it a few times.

Does remind me of discussions I've had in my life when I've expressed my faith that the Lord would take care of me.

Surprise Gifts

It was the day after my birthday this year.

I really needed a haircut and had been putting it off. I don't know why I do that but it seems I usually do now.

During my caregiver life I made regular appointments because I had so little time free to do things and the time cost me because of paying for aides. Now I act like time doesn't cost me anything and that it belongs entirely to me. I should be more cautious about how I spend time though because really nothing has changed in fact. Rather it is the perception.

But that's a different subject and I need to return to this one.

So I called Mike who has now cut my hair for a long while. He also came to the house to cut Dad's hair. That was a very great service to me and I still remember it. I paid him for doing it of course but I remain grateful for his help.

Surprisingly he had an opening that afternoon for me.

Now it just was absolutely coincidental that my son had an appointment with Mike that day but preceding mine. My son was in the 8th grade when Mike began cutting his hair.

I arrived on time for my appointment and Mike and I had a nice chat as he cut my hair. Really he's a stylist but I am not exactly the "style" kind of guy. That's really not his fault but just the fact that I am more "style-less" than most. I think I blogged about this once.

He removed the apron and I stood up and reached for my wallet so I could pay him.

Mike said "No charge today. Your son paid for your haircut as a surprise gift for your birthday."

I was truly surprised, too. In fact I was nearly speechless. I felt a big smile on my face.

I've thought about that event many times since. Each time I again relish the pleasure of it. The last time we both had appointments on the same day I was earlier and again it was coincidental. So I paid for his appointment that time. And he was surprised. I know because he called me and thanked me.

I don't know which event gave me more pleasure: giving or receiving. Both were wonderful.

I've thought a good deal about how similarly I am surprised quite often by The Lord. Usually I am not expecting anything. Then I'm surprised by something I know the Lord gave me as a surprise. No, I can't prove it. But I know it all the same.

It makes me want to surprise Him, too.

Texas Holiness Association

Ran across this photo in stuff from my parent's home.

Texas Holiness Association merged into the Church of the Nazarene in 1910.

It is my understanding that my maternal grandfather was actually licensed initially in The Texas Holiness Association.

Perhaps he is in the group somewhere. I did look at it under a magnifying glass but saw no one that I thought might have been him.

Smile and Give 'em Heaven

Last Saturday, August 29, 2009, I attended another funeral for a high school classmate.

My brother read the obituary in the Friday paper and sent me a text message because he recognized the name and thought he remembered me being in school with Ron.

I've gone to several funerals of my school mates and teachers the last few years. I don't know exactly why I go. It's not as though I've maintained friendships with many of my classmates over the years. Even those few of us that were very close in school have strayed apart.

But there's something about being children together that survives long periods of separation. I notice I now even look much more kindly upon the remembrances of classmates I actually disliked at the time or in some cases considered enemies. Perhaps it is the perspective of time or, more improbably, the onset of some gain in wisdom.

This time it was the funeral for Ron Taylor. I think he and his family arrived at our school when I was beginning high school which then was the 9th grade. He was 2 grades below me but his sister, Verna, was in my class. His father was an assistant principal if memory serves as well as being the drivers' education teacher. I don't remember knowing others in the family and didn't know there were any until the funeral.

They lived south of us about 2 miles and seems to me that we rode the same bus together at least some.

Like several friends of my approximate age Ron had been stricken with polio as a young child. I learned at the funeral that it was when he was 4 in 1953. If the poliovirus could have waited a couple of years, Ron would have undoubtedly benefited from the Salk vaccine.

But polio was not the thing that defined Ron Taylor. Even as a junior high student Ron had a big spirit and an equally big smile. Neither of those have dimmed in my memory even after 46 years or more.

Ron was 59 when he died. It was sudden and unexpected. He was a coach most of his adult life and I had heard about a couple of his assignments. When I knew him he was one strong football player.

When I knew him I was an atheist. Back then I neither knew nor cared what his faith was if any.

I was pleased to learn that he was a devout disciple of Christ and had been for a long time.

Besides me there were about 500 or maybe 600 more people there to pay Ron respect and to try and help his family's grief as much as we could by our mere presence.

I'm not the only one to write something about Ron:

• Ron's obituary at Legacy.
• Another blogger.
• Our local paper.

The comments are worth reading as much as the articles.

It was in the service that I learned that Ron nearly always ended his conversations with others with a resounding "Smile and Give 'em Heaven!"

I like that.

Scary Dream

I don't often remember my dreams. I don't often have bad dreams. Or maybe I just don't remember them.

So maybe that's why this one was particularly disturbing.

I was not alone in the dream but I am uncertain who was with me. That doesn't mean I did not know them. I think I did. I think I had some degree of responsibility for them. But now I can't remember if there was one other or more others. I think more.

We had been climbing into mountain places and crossing dangerous bridges. We'd been working hard. But we'd finally arrived somewhere.

And there were some kind of monk like people there. They wanted us to do three things I think. I don't recall all three. But one had to do with drinking some kind of drink. And another had to do with reciting some kind of pledge in an unfamiliar tongue.

I was afraid. But whomever I was with wanted to do it and wanted me to do it, too.

I think it ended with me having to decide to abandon my companion. For some reason I think I had some kind of responsibility for my companion. But I wouldn't drink and I wouldn't recite so I had to leave.

The drink would have numbed my mind I know. I think the pledge was some kind of allegiance to some kind of demon god or something.

But I think it was not a god like those old idols. I think it was some kind of modern god.

That's it - that's the dream.

Mortality

Mortal - adjective - subject to death.

Ed McMahon - June 23, 2009 - age 86.
Farrah Fawcett - June 25, 2009 - age 62.
Michael Jackson - June 25, 2009 - age 50.

Some reporter was asked how she would describe the reaction of people in the crowd that had gathered in Time Square in New York City. She said people seemed more excited than sad but not excited that Jackson had died rather about his music and art.

I thought about how I felt then.

I felt relief more than anything else. All three seemed like sad stories to me that were just becoming ever sadder.

I didn't want to read in some future article about McMahon losing his home or see him trying to earn his way out of whatever new financial problem he'd encountered. And McMahon had always seemed happy to me and I really did not like seeing him in difficult circumstances at 86.

Fawcett seemed to be suffering to me. There was very little doubt the outcome of her struggle. Had she lived there would have been more suffering. Somehow her life even before cancer seemed sad to me. Certainly she was beautiful and talented and I suppose all the other good things people said but what I knew about her seemed so full of conflict and sorrow.

I thought Jackson's life was even sadder. Even I could recognize his great talent. But there was a loneliness and a painful sorrow that I thought was always there. In recent years he just seemed to me to be someone who no longer could manage his life.

So I felt relief that at least the struggles had ended for these three figures.

Coincidentally I've been reading about King Solomon in my daily Bible reading. He was also a man of immense ability and superlative accomplishment. Yet at the end of his life he broke faith with his God.

His public life did not begin that way. He writes about it in Ecclesiastes. In the end there is one thing that matters.

So when I read the account of his death I felt the same feeling of relief.

Discipleship

Have you ever heard someone say "I am a disciple of so and so?"

We all know what that means when we hear it even though we are willing to be pretty broad about our definition.

We mean someone that very closely agrees with and follows a particular belief system.

Sometimes it can be rather trivial or even in jest like "a disciple of garlic" or some similar thing. And in that case we know that the "disciple" doesn't mean that the particular thing applies to his entire life.

On the other hand when we talk of being a disciple of Jesus Christ we know that the person is in fact speaking about the entirety of his life: thought, deed, faith, everything.

Discipleship always involves learning or at least I cannot imagine otherwise. If you are not learning about your master then how can you really claim to be a disciple? Also I was thinking that this element of discipleship means that it is never "blind" allegiance. In fact the novice disciple is recognized as being the poorer disciple exactly because he or she knows less.

Discipleship always involves the recognition that the master is the master. At least in following Jesus the student never becomes the master.

Discipleship always involves actually following in action as well as knowledge. Just knowing something and doing nothing is certainly no better and probably much worse than not knowing at all.

Discipleship definitely involves being. One either is or isn't a disciple. There's no middle ground. You just can't be a little bit of a disciple. Nor is it correct to say someone is more of a disciple than someone else.

The one verse that always comes to mind when I think of discipleship is John 5:30:

I can do nothing on My own initiative As I hear, I judge; and My judgment is just, because I do not seek My own will, but the will of Him who sent Me.

Song of Solomon in The Message

In my daily Bible reading I am using The Message by Eugene Peterson.

What a treat the Song of Solomon is in this version! I so enjoyed reading Peterson's paraphrase and it made me think about the Song of Solomon from entirely different perspectives.

I have to say that The Message version is even more sensual than I remembered.

I am now reading in the Proverbs and find my reading to be equally happy and beneficial. What a treasure is the Proverbs. I haven't read there in a while.

At the same time though I have this friend that sends me anti-Christian stuff all the time. She knows I am a believer. I am not sure why she sends it. I've known her a long time and she is not a cruel person. In fact she's a nice person.

I think she must think the stuff is just funny and is unable to understand that the material might hurt my feelings.

I thought about asking her to remove my name from her list or maybe even complaining about what she sends me.

But I decided that we've been friends too long. Besides I think she'd never understand since she isn't a believer herself.

I think my friend is not particularly anti-Christian. Mainly I think she thinks that Christians are conservative and she's liberal. I think she is more non-religious than anything else and more understands the world in political terms.

Now the stuff she sends comes from people who are anti-Christian in particular and anti-religion in general. Generally the material makes fun of Christians and Christian belief. As I understand it I think these people would be quite happy if Christians disappeared.

I think they would not really want to kill Christians but I think it wouldn't hurt their feelings if someone else did. More than anything else I think they want to discourage people from being Christian or at least openly admitting it. They think they are doing a good thing of course.

So I can kind of understand a bit that they would produce and disseminate content that is hurtful to Christians. But why my friend would do it I really don't much understand.

I wonder if the world would be a lot different if there were no Christians?

Or maybe I didn't say anything to my friend because I lost my temper the other day.

I shouldn't have but I did. I still feel badly about it. There had been about 20 preceding incidents where I could have lost my temper and I didn't.

Funny how you can do well 20 times and then the 21st time gets you.

Just Let It Unfold

The other day I blogged about a book I had read by Dean Koontz and how I had appreciated it more since I finished it than when I was reading it. In that book the hero needs a new heart.

His girlfriend is an aspiring author who discusses the concept of subtext with him. She begs him to "just let it unfold" when he signs up on the heart transplant list. But he is very rich and begins to lose confidence in the system and decides to change to a new doctor. His old doctor is a true friend but the new doctor is one who promises results.

The new doctor does get results, too. But it turns out that the heart for the hero has been purchased and results in the death of an innocent young woman.

I have a friend right now that needs a new liver. Not too many years ago another friend needed a new heart. Regularly I read about someone who has given a kidney to someone else.

And we all know about the hope of stem cells being used to grow new organs and the resulting debate that is ongoing about the ethical implications of such technology.

At any rate the situation in that book about someone needing a new heart is all too plausible. That someone rich enough could simply buy what is needed is all too plausible as well. We know this because from time to time we read stories about an entire black market for organs.

In the case of organ transplantation there is a system in place that is meant to protect the innocent while assisting those in need.

In the book it is the man's fear that drives him to seek out a heart at all costs. His fear of death was just so great that he could not keep his promise to his girlfriend. He gained his life but lost everything else.

Jesus said something similar in Matthew 10:38-39 (The Message):

If you don't go all the way with me, through thick and thin, you don't deserve me. If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me.

Fear is mostly what keeps us from faith. A lot of people would argue that it is unbelief but that's just what the absence of faith is -- not what keeps us from believing.

Many of us want to live our lives in the freedom of faith. But we just cannot make ourselves let go of whatever security we think we have. We are just too scared to let go.

In Luke 18:18 there is this story about a "rich young ruler" who comes to Jesus and says that he's followed all the commandments but wants to know what he has to do to deserve eternal life. Jesus tells him he only needs to sell everything he has and give it to the poor and then follow Jesus. The young ruler couldn't do it.

I was thinking about examples in the Bible where people decided to help God out rather than just let what God had promised unfold. There are plenty of examples.

For instance God promises Abraham and Sarah a child. But when she fails to become pregnant Sarah decides God needs a bit of assistance. And she has the power to effect something the consequences of which remain with us to this day.

Or another time Abraham says that Sarah is his sister instead of his wife because he's afraid the truth will get them all killed.

Eventually though Abraham gets it right when he takes Isaac up to the mountain to offer the sacrifice.

Yesterday my Bible reading was in Psalm 119. Verse 1:

You're blessed when you stay on course, walking steadily on the road revealed by God.

Often it is the most difficult test of faith to wait on the Lord.

Stay the course.

Book: Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God

Cazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God
by Francis Chan

Francis and Lisa Chan founded Cornerstone Community Church in Simi Valley, CA in 1994. He writes some about his biography in the book but otherwise I did not find a lot about him from the web.

There is a web site for the book, too: crazylovebook.com.

Chan talks about how many Christians become so without really having a clear understanding of God's character and the resulting, "crazy" love that He displays towards us.

Moreover he says that if we really grasp God's character and love that there is really only one valid response on our part. That is our unrestrained, "crazy" love for God.

He goes on to discuss this idea in several different ways. The chapters are relatively short and easy to read and appreciate. He uses a good many Scripture references and intersperses them clearly and artfully. On my Kindle the default font size was rather large but easily changed.

There were for me several notable and memorable places in the book.

One chapter discusses the parable of the soils and Chan writes "Don't assume you are good soil." I smiled when I read that for several reasons. We do often find it easier to associate ourselves with the hero than the villain.

Another chapter discusses what it means to be lukewarm and Chan declares that a lukewarm Christian is simply an oxymoron -- not possible.

Yet another place he says that a Christian life really should not make sense to non-believers. I smiled again.

I think I most enjoyed the little examples of actual people who have sold out entirely to the Lord. I think Chan does those particularly well.

In thinking about the book now that I have finished I realize that I did not really enjoy it as much as I had expected before I began reading. Partly I think that's because of high expectations.

I do agree with so much of what Chan says though and much of what he does is well done I think.

When I read something like this though I always worry that some might feel a need for greater human works than greater faith. Chan does not say this by any stretch. But I do worry about it.

It is a worthwhile read I think.

How Would I Introduce Jesus?

The other day I received an email that had a video of a Steve Harvey performance wherein he did an Introduction of Christ to a room full of people. I found it on Youtube.

I find it interesting that some people like Steve Harvey can get up on stage before a big crowd and do such a great job of leading the entire group.

That's not one of my gifts. You wouldn't really want me to be introducing anyone to a big crowd like that. And I wouldn't want to either so it kind of works out I guess.

Somehow I suspect that "needs no introduction" part is the most significant. That's how it was for me anyway when I met actually did meet Jesus. Wasn't any doubt in my mind who He was. You hear that a lot about needs no introduction but there are whole bunch of folks that I have no idea who they are or why I should know them. But Jesus truly does need no introduction.

I've heard people say when they get to heaven the first thing they're going to do is run up and ask God why something or other happened or throw their arms around Him or some other very familiar kind of thing.

But I bet it will be more like when I first saw the ocean or the Grand Canyon or my newborn babies. I stood there in awe and reverence trying to make my mind grasp some little sliver of the reality of it all.

Except that being in His presence will be so much beyond any experience I can imagine.

But Steve Harvey surely did a great job and surely did make me think.

No matter who tries to introduce you though you still have to go to Him yourself. Amazing how that works.

The Alzheimer's Project

I've been watching the HBO Alzheimer's Project films all morning. It is Monday as I write this, the day after Mother's Day.

It is raining now and has been nearly all night. When I went out to Judy's farm this morning the pasture road was really muddy. Even slow going threw mud all over the side of the car. It is funny to me that the mud is black for a while but the more rain we get the redder the mud becomes.

It is not funny that the weather mirrors my mood as I watch these videos. The longer I watch the more I feel like I am suffocating from the memories of my own time caregiving for my parents.

Every video, every person, every situation, every place all conspire to raise old memories long since buried but not very deeply it turns out. Mostly I would just as soon those memories stay forgotten I guess. I am surprised I feel this way and did not expect it.

Yesterday morning I was already melancholy for a while. I avoided church. Not because I did not want to worship but because I really did not want to be around other people. I didn't want to be reminded that my parents are gone and I am still here. I drove over to the cemetery and stood there in the plot that has 6 of us already. Didn't do anything - just stood there - and thought about each one of them. Maybe I gave a bit more thought to the women in honor of Mother's Day.

Mom has been gone 8 years this year and my grandma will be 21 and my aunt who was like a mother 22. I walked over to my other grandparents' graves and realized she's already been gone 24 years. Then I went to find my ex mother-in-law's grave because she also was a mother to me. I didn't put out flowers. It was raining anyway. But I counted how many I need to buy for Memorial Day and I will put them out then.

Then last night I watched an older X-Men movie on TV. I followed that by watching the HBO video about Caregivers. I chose that one first for some reason. I could not help but think about how like the X-men are both those of us with dementia and those who try to care for them. Irony?

This morning I began again by watching The Memory Loss Tapes. My blogger friend, Annie from Maple Corners, is in that one. I wish I could say it was good to see her and her mom but it would be a lie. I recognized her instantly of course and her mom. It was painful for me to watch though. But I made myself watch all of it.

I have to stop watching right now. I am not sure I can watch more. I want to. I wanted to write about how great it is that these videos exist and I wanted to like them just as everyone else has commented about them. Maybe I will like them later but I don't right now.

I want to go throw up right now.

My son is in the next office. He can hear the audio though. I just told him I thought I was going to puke. He said he thought he might, too. He said he wasn't sure he could watch these.

One thing I can tell you is that a few minutes of video footage does not and maybe cannot communicate what it is like when the minutes turn into hours and the hours become days and the days fall into weeks and the weeks grow into months and the months accumulate into years.

I don't know if I will post this.

It is Monday afternoon now. I am home from feeding the horses and checking on Judy's mom. She reminds me so much of one of the women in the memory video.

The videos are very honest and very real. They are well produced with very high production values. But they are raw, too. RAW is the right word I think.

I did not know I was still so raw myself but apparently I am. I really thought I was more healed. I really thought these stories would not bother me so much.

I decided to post as you can see.

Betrayal

Reading the Unlikely Disciple book has made me think a lot about betrayal.

Loyalty and friendship and family and faithfulness are really important elements of my personal and family morality. I am certain they have been handed down for generations upon generations in our family. They are too strong I think to be explained solely by the older generation teaching the younger. I suspect there is a kind of spiritual heredity that is akin to DNA except it is not physical. I don't know what it is nor can I prove it but I suspect it exists.

I am a traducian because I do believe the soul and spirit originate coincidentally with the body. Some people believe the soul is specially created by God sometime before birth and others believe the soul preexists the body. But that's a different subject.

But for me and others in my family there is little more sacred than loyalty to family and friends and self. Perhaps self should be first because you have to be true to your core values above all else.

Kevin Roose first encounters the issue with his family and friends. They are concerned that he will be corrupted by his experience at Liberty. He is sometimes afraid of that himself as the story unfolds. He secures approval for his venture by giving his assurance that he is only interested in observing and writing.

At Liberty though he begins to develop relationships with other students. He does not tell them that he is only there to study them and to try to make some sense of their culture.

Relationships often begin on a less-than-honest basis though. It is not unusual to present oneself in the best light when meeting new people. That's especially true when the relationships involve romantic attraction. I think Roose did nothing more sinister than that when he enters Liberty.

In the writing of the book he apparently protects individual identities. In my mind his treatment of the university itself and the culture is neither malicious nor dishonest.

I have no way of knowing how those he does write about feel about his treatment.

One time I had this friend and I thought I understood his opinion about a particular subject. It was a complex subject. In a meeting I stated that my friend believed such and such about the subject. Not long after my friend and I met and he was so angry with me. Someone had told him I had said something about his opinion. It actually wasn't what I said but I had said something. My friend felt I had betrayed him and our relationship. Our relationship was never the same because of that experience. I have never forgotten.

The thing about betrayal is that it is often one sided. I did not intend to betray my friend. In fact I did not think I had betrayed him. But he thought I had. That was all it took.

I have felt betrayed, too. I remember one such time when my friend told me "that it had nothing to do with me." I am certain my friend believed that and probably never understood why I felt as I did.

There are few things worse that I have experienced than the emotion of feeling betrayed. Those feelings for me have been physically jolting as well as emotionally wrenching. Those feelings have been so terrible for me that I desperately want to avoid doing that to someone else. And I sometimes worry about things I did 30 or 40 years ago that I now think were awful.

A couple of times I have actually apologized to some old friend about something that looms so large in my memory. In one particular case I was astonished that my old friend had no memory of the event at all.

I was very surprised to begin to worry about something that happened so long ago that I had not given the least thought about.

As much as I enjoyed reading Roose's book there is no doubt in my mind that had I been one of his friends that I would have felt betrayed. He knew that, too, because he remarks about how gracious and forgiving were his Liberty friends (or more truthfully specimens).

I wonder if he will have regrets in 40 years.

Reading: The Unlikely Disciple

The Unlikely Disciple: A Sinner's Semester at America's Holiest University
by Kevin Roose
Grand Central Publishing (March 26, 2009)

Kevin Roose is a sophomore at Brown and an intern for writer, A. J. Jacobs, when first introduced to Liberty University through students he meets at Thomas Road Baptist Church. His conversation with the group of students frustrates Roose because he realizes there is a cultural gulf between him and them.

He decides to enroll in Liberty for a semester in an effort to understand the culture and to write a book about the experience. Roose is 19 at the time. He secures his parent's and school's permission, completes an application to Liberty, and is accepted.

Roose writes that the "evangelical world, in my mind, was a cloistered, slightly frightening community whose values and customs I wasn't' supposed to understand. So I ignored it." Roose is slightly frightened but his family and friends seem terrified of the prospect.

Because of his experience in speaking with the Liberty students, Roose decides to impersonate an evangelical during his time at Liberty. He writes "Naturally, I wanted to be as honest as possible." So he crafts his background story in that spirit and even receives help from the one Christian he actually knows.

He does manage to blend in with the Liberty students he meets. He is surprised to find that they are not the homogeneous stereotypes he had thought. He also finds there are some things about Liberty that is even worse than he had expected.

He makes friends. He learns to compartmentalize his life and his studies. He surprises himself by how well he adapts. He keeps his secret and takes sufficiently good notes to write an interesting book.

Towards the end of his time he is even able to interview Dr. Jerry Falwell. The resulting article is acclaimed on campus and gains some exposure off. Dr. Falwell dies the day before Roose is set to leave Liberty and Roose delays his departure until after the funeral. His article then gains even greater attention.

Before the book is published Roose returns to Liberty and confesses his subterfuge to his friends. He is surprised by the gracious responses of forgiveness and friendship.

In the end Roose reflects on the experience. He admits to being permanently changed but unconverted. He writes that his semester at Liberty did not "bridge the God Divide" but he thinks the barrier is not insurmountable. He even writes about his youth although mostly in the context of writing a book.

Now what did I think about the book?

It is a good book. It is interesting. It is well written. The characters in the book are portrayed humanly and the situations are realistic. There is little sense of contrivance and there is the ring of truth.

There are several strands of unresolved tension. Will Kevin get caught? Will Kevin fall in love? Will Kevin be converted? Will Kevin pass his courses? Will Kevin lose his friends and family? Will Kevin betray his new friends?

It is the novelty I suppose that makes one start reading. It is the tension and realism and writing that keeps one reading.

So I recommend the book.

I have more things I want to write though and I am sure I will.

The General and the servant girl

I was reading the other day in 2 Kings 5. It is the most interesting story of a general named Naaman who was afflicted with leprosy. Eventually he goes to the prophet, Elisha, who by his own servant tells the general to immerse himself in the Jordan river and he will be cured.

Naaman really does not like this idea nor does he like talking to Elisha's servant instead of Elisha directly. So initially he stomps off refusing to do it. Well, his underlings persuade him to change his mind by telling him that he would do something complicated if he had been instructed to do so; therefore, why not do something simple.

I'm paraphrasing of course.

Naaman goes and dunks himself in the Jordan seven times and he is healed.

There's more, too.

Much later -- hundreds of years -- this story becomes very important in the life of Jesus, the Messiah. So it is an important story.

What really interests me is why Naaman wants to go to Elisha in the first place. That's because his wife has told him what her servant girl said. The servant girl is from Israel and was captured by Naaman's King on a previous raid.

Her name is not mentioned in the account. And she doesn't tell Naaman directly but only his wife, her mistress.

The story obviously is not about the servant girl but somehow I have become fixated on her. I keep thinking about her.

For one thing she must have been an exceptional woman because Naaman immediately took the advice upon hearing it. I wouldn't take advice from someone I didn't have a lot of respect for.

I wonder how she felt about being captured and removed from her home and family and life? I wonder if she was resentful or angry or depressed or all the emotions I can imagine myself feeling.

I wonder why she cared so much for Naaman? I wonder if it was because of his wife or the man himself or was it just something in the heart of this unnamed, young girl?

I wonder if she knew the Lord? And if she did I wonder if she felt herself called into His service? Was she at peace because she felt that calling even though she was a enslaved in a strange land?

I wonder if she was rewarded by the general when he returned home? I wonder how she felt when she found out he had been healed?

I wonder if she had any idea that her remark would play such an important part in world history? It was not a very significant statement really.

Makes me wonder about my own statements and my own life.

Called

I was called by God.

I've told that to many people over the years since it happened.

Usually I am asked what I was called to do. Or sometimes someone will ask why I am not obeying my calling. I understand the sentiment, too, because they mean why am I not a pastor or a missionary or something similarly vocational.

When it happened I thought only of vocational ministry. But the Lord made it abundantly clear that vocational ministry was not what He had in mind. He told me outright in fact. But it was a desire that lingered within me for a very long while. Just before I came to live with mom and dad I had applied to attend a seminary with the idea of pursuing a chaplain job. The seminary rejected my application. At the time it made me feel pretty rejected.

I am not proud of my obstinacy. But I think it does indicate how much we associate God's calling with vocational ministry.

Sometimes people ask about the circumstance of my calling. It was a dream. I think it was anyway. I am pretty sure I was asleep. I was like a tiny baby cradled in huge arms. I was being comforted. There was to be suffering in my future. But the comforting I was receiving would be sufficient for my perseverance.

"But where in that dream were you called?"

I don't know but that was when and how it happened.

"So you think you were called in a dream about comfort and you don't know what you were called to do?"

When I write it out that way it does sound pretty crazy.

I know what I was called to do. I was called to serve.

The circumstances of my life thus far have provided ample opportunities for me to serve the Lord in all sorts of ways. Those are the ones I know. There are probably many I do not know. There may have been times when I served and did not know it. There were definitely many times I should have done something and did not.

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men
Col 3:23 NIV.

One might say that verse applies to all believers. I do not disagree either. My calling is only special to me.

I don't claim for myself anything special.

I could be the poster child for "being saved by grace" because there was surely nothing about me that deserved anything.

I have no super powers for certain. But I have found that I have been prepared for whatever I've needed to do when I needed to do it.

God's grace is sufficient.

Making Sense of The Bible

The Bible makes sense to me now but that was not always the case.

That statement requires some explanation. Because it did make some sense to me even when I was a very young child but still old enough to read for myself. That is the sense that I understood most of the words I read and even understood some of the stories.

But I did not have any kind of large view of the entirety of The Bible. It seemed disjointed to me with very little continuity of thought and characters. While some of the stories were compelling, many were also terrible and downright discouraging. The teaching itself in Sunday school added to the sense of discontinuity because I never understood the context if it was even presented. The sermons I heard mostly consisted of a reading of a verse of Scripture from the Old Testament and then a verse from the New Testament followed by a speech that to me seemed disconnected from either of the passages.

The God of the Old Testament seemed angry and often petty and rather human like to me. The Jesus of the New Testament was attractive in a way but seemed to be talking about a world that was so ideal as to be impossible. And the Gospels as far as I could tell dwelt on one thing whereas the letters told an entirely different story.

Large parts of the Bible were boring to me as well. It was certainly not something I enjoyed reading for sure.

Now, though, I love to read the Bible. I find a wonderful sense of continuity from front to back. I find all sorts of new nuggets here and there on my reading journeys. That's how it seems to me when I read the Bible now: a journey or, better, an exploration of new and unknown places. Like the Starship "Enterprise" boldly going where I haven't been before.

So what changed?

In my own journey of faith there was a time when I was searching for answers about suffering. I was led to the Book of Job which I obsessively read for about a month. One day as I was nearing the end of the book once again I was reading Job 42:5-6:

"I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear;
But now my eye sees You;
Therefore I retract,
And I repent in dust and ashes."

In an instant I realized that I was like Job. I had heard about God but I did not know Him. I had not seen Him. And in that same instant as though I had been sitting in a pitch black room and someone turned on the lights I could suddenly see this entirely different reality.

It was obvious that it was not a new reality but had been there all along. It was just different to me in that I had not ever experienced it before. I call it the Kingdom of God.

Experiencing that new reality made everything different not the least of which was me. Not the outside me but the inside me. My core was changed. My personality and my body all were the same but my spirit was different and there was something new as well.

I had this voracious hunger for God's Word then. It was like being famished except I needed the Scripture and not food. And I began reading as fast as I could. I began with John. I do not know why but that's where I started. I devoured it and wanted more and more. I believed what I was reading was true. That was a huge change because before I did not. It began to make more sense but there was plenty that I still did not understand.

I began to read a lot of other books about Theology and religion. Along the way I stumbled upon a religious philosophy called "Dispensationalism." It is a rather complete Theological system of itself that I found to be fascinating and helpful.

The most helpful thing for me was the idea that God deals with humankind in dispensations or administrations and that the rules of governance from one administration to another do not overlap. An example is the garden of Eden where Adam and Eve lived. There was one rule that God gave and it was quite simple. But that administration ended with man's failure to obey God and removal from the garden. Today God deals with man in an entirely different way.

It would be just as wrong for me to expect Adam and Eve to know anything about God's dealing with man today as it would be for me to refrain from eating the fruit of a certain tree.

This rather simple concept of time and context literally changed the way I read and studied Scripture. That's when I began to glimpse the beautiful and complex continuity of thought that ran throughout the Scripture. I was amazed when I began to unravel it.

I don't want to give the idea that I have arrived at some magic place where I now know and understand everything. Quite the contrary is true in fact. The more I learn and know the more I find I do not understand.

Except for one thing which continually comes into focus more clearly all the time. That's the love of God. It is as though I first glimpsed it through a telescope while I was far away from the source. Over time I have moved ever closer to the source and that love of God that I first so faintly glimpsed is now burning ever brighter and hotter and more intense than ever I could have imagined. And yet it remains a ways off.

That's the story about how the Bible began to make sense to me.

Servanthood

Last week I took my mother-in-law to her CPA's office to deliver her tax information so the CPA could prepare her return. On Monday I was sent to collect the return.

Took me about 30 minutes to get there because the Interstate is under construction for widening. I thought to myself that fit in with the rest of my morning. Because I had already enjoyed emotions of disappointment and frustration.

I arrived at the office and introduced myself. The receptionist remembered me. "You're the son-in-law right?" she said as she left her station to find our preparer. And when he arrived we warmly greeted each other with hearty handshake and "good to see you" salutations.

There was a "but" though. Apparently there is a law or a rule or whatever courtesy of the United States government that prohibits handing over someone's tax information without their express, written permission.

He was extremely apologetic. When he said he was sorry I replied "I am getting used to wasted trips" in my best self-pitying whine.

Continuing to feel sorry for myself and allowing the increasing frustration to build into anger I climbed back into my car and proceeded to tell the Lord all about how awful I had been treated.

I guess I thought He might like to know. I am sure if I were pushed I would admit on one hand to wanting some fire from heaven to obliterate the entire nest of accountants. On the other hand I suppose I was hoping for a little sympathy.

But the Lord said to me "Is it really possible to inconvenience a servant?" No, it was not an audible voice. That thought just popped in my mind all of a sudden. That's the way it happens for me a lot of times.

I laughed at myself then. My anger evaporated. My frustration changed to peace. My self-pity turned to playful mirth. I actually laughed out loud in the car.

I love the question.

The answer is pretty obvious I think. As long as the servant is about his master's business then the master might be inconvenienced but not the servant.

Who is my master?

The Lord Jesus is my master.

Before He purchased my freedom I was enslaved to a cruel master. But the Lord Jesus bought my freedom at a great price to Himself. He set me free. He did not make me do anything. Yet there is nothing I want more than to serve Him and to love Him and obey Him.

It is unappealing to be a servant in our culture. Servants generally are thrown in with the poor and the meek and the washers of feet.

Servants rejoice in their Masters and not in themselves.